i feel like i have to try and be as good as she is. I think that i just realized that. I just realized that i do need to grow up a little. I stay stuck within the past that i dont realize my future or what is right in front of me. I was thinking about her during my 4th period class and trying to understand her and myself at the same time. Maybe God is trying to tell me to let go. Maybe thats why we cant make things work out right. Maybe, just maybe. I've held onto her for almost two years now (in september of '07). Its about time that i let go, but something is telling me that she hasent let go COMPLELTY  either, but i cant really say that cuz i believe she has, but some of the things she said a few days ago and the actions she took. i cant say what she is because i dont know. She has to be the one to say it out loud. Well anyways the thing is that maybe the summer will be good for the both of us. Maybe i can actually get her outta my head and move on before our senior year starts... OMG, we're going to be seniors, it just seems like yesterday we were freshmen. I hate that i remember so much about us. Maybe if i didnt rememebr so much it wouldnt hurt as bad, idk. Its really getting to me, now. I haven't really gotten her outta my mind in almost 3 years, when i met her. Its weird how much time passes by when you think that you've found that one person and you plan out so many things, but then one day can change it all. One action can make a difference. One word can make the future change. I almost cant believe it. I mean me and her had so many ideas together and i'll admit they were good ones and i had fun with her. But i guess now that fun time is over and time to get back to reality. Get back to my real concerns. But i really dont know how to do that. I've been sucked into the life of  "Alicia Hollingshead" and i cant find my way out. Its too complicated. If i could just find that window, i'll be all ok, since the door has been closed for a long time now. I sit and i wonder what it would be like if she never had went on that church trip that summer. I wonder if we would have gotten back together, like we were kinda talking about. Probably not. IDK what i can do to make myself complete now. I mean when i met her it was like she was it and thats all that i wanted. Now that i've been with her its like shes what i want and what i am interested in. I compare the people i go out with to her and her standards. I mean i like girls with brown hair and eyes, taller than me (idk why), average... etc. so yeah... the other things arent important. Even thouh i dont look at appearences, hers i like and thats what i am interested in, kinda. Ok, well anyways. it liek when i look into her eyes, its amazing and i'm hypnotized. I shouldnt be though, but i cant help how i feel. No one can. This is life. Your not suppose to help who you fall in love with. Otherwise i'd make myself be over her by now. And plus i wouldnt fall for my friends half the time neither. OK, um... maybe i'll stop ramboling now... later... ... ... xoxo

Love, Melissa